As I was standing in line to get my iced americano this morning, I was feeling the same as any other day, tired and slightly nihilistic (maybe apathetic, I have a hard time distinguishing first thing in the morning). I feel the world and the people in it have reached a point so absurd and dumb, it’s almost impossible for me to care about the state of everything that’s currently going on, maybe I’m overstimulated by the negatives.

I have been thinking lately (and to be honest, I used to worry about a lot), that what we were promised about life, the idea that if we worked hard, were good people, educated ourselves and took risks, that we will eventually be rewarded with a good life, was just a silly fantasy (propaganda almost), propagated to us by the previous generations who had better economic opportunities. Opportunities that have now been squeezed dry, without regard to the consequences which have manifested today.

I was born in 1989 (millennial, 90’s kid or whatever we call ourselves to feel included), I went to a good school, I have a university degree, I lived abroad and have changed career paths a few times trying to find my place in the world. I feel like this is a pretty regular start to this game called life, especially in the country I grew up and live in, and possibly to anyone reading this

What I thought, and was told about life as a young man, turned out to be far from the truth, and it feels like, no matter what I do as a person, there will be no real happy end here. No security. No golden years. No nothing.

My generation, which was shaped by this crazy thing called the Internet and social media, and has had the pleasure to grow up with 9/11, the war in the middle east, the 2008 recession, global warming, the culture wars, drug epidemics, Covid-19, Ukraine/Russia, Israel/Palestine, whatever is going on with Iran and the USA, Epstein files, unaffordability, low birth rates and who knows what AI will become (this list just keeps growing so I’ll stop with the examples – also plastic in our food). And not only that, the only CERTAINTY we have learned, is that we have been constantly misinformed, radicalized and straight up lied to by Mainstream media and our Governments. Even worse, and what I personally think is true, is that the things I believe and to an extent “Am” as a person, is an amalgamation of the data and ideas this new thing called the Algorithm has decided I need to be and feeds me through my feed daily (maybe its called feed for a reason).  Oh, and I’ll never own property, and won’t afford to retire.

No one is ever punished, nothing gets fixed, and eventually everything is just forgotten. When enough time passes we shrug and act like it doesn’t matter.  On to the next catastrophe.

Hence the apathy I feel for everything at the moment. There’s just too much going on for my brain to process. I think we are expected to live a “It is what it is!” life style, and watch everything around us become worse and worse, while doom scrolling in a dark room somewhere. But that feels like shit too.

I know I might be coming across as pessimistic, depressed, ungrateful or even a sociopath in this post (add any other negative adjective you want, I am probably writing this into the void of the internet anyway), and on a global level, I know I should be grateful and thank some God, that I am not living in war torn Syria or something.

At the end of the day, we should all be personally held accountable for our actions, try to self-reflect, and adjust, but it is hard to look at oneself honestly and unbiasedly sometimes. I do feel happy a lot of the time and socialize quite often, I am not a depressed recluse or anything. I have my moments.

I decided to write down my thoughts (mostly the inner dialogues I have in my head) as a form of meditation or therapy, so a blog felt like an appropriate place to do that. I initially thought of journaling or going to an actual therapist (both are still an option, I’m just working up to it), but maybe putting it online will keep me accountable or at least get the ball rolling. Selfishly, I kind of want to rant about these things to someone, so here you go internet.

In my mind expressing all my thoughts here might help, if nothing else this has proven to be a fun way to vent a bit. I know we are all going through life for the first time and it gets to be a lot sometimes (Much like this very post, I feel like it’s all over the place).

Thanks to whoever took the time. Love yourself

P.s

I haven’t even brought up love, friends, family or work yet. Or that we are living on a tiny rock in an infinite universe or a possible simulation?

What is happening?